TEHRAN (Reuters) - Iran's president sent an unprecedented letter to President Bush on Monday, suggesting ways to ease tension over Tehran's nuclear program, but it was not clear if it offered any compromise.

The White House said it was unaware of any letter from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and U.S. intelligence chief John Negroponte said the move may have been timed to influence a UN Security Council debate on Iran.

However, we here at In The Middle of America have obtained an exclusive look at this letter, and have translated it for you:

Dear George;

While I understand that you are upset with our move to price our oil based on the Euro instead of the Dollar that is no excuse to let Israel claim they will wipe me off the map. I know I started it, but come on, politician to politician; you know how you have to “rally the troops” right?

Look, I need nukes to wipe out infidels in this region, and you need oil to keep running your decadent society, so how’s about we come to an agreement and we give you guys oil, you let us build our nukes? Besides, what’s a couple of hundred thousand Jews between friends?

By the way, we still can’t price our oil on the dollar. You’ve over-extended the United States credit so far that all of us have bets on when your currency is going to crash. Sorry about that, I know you were really hoping we’d come around.

Well, I have to go, I’m off to Bahrain where the magic shield will protect me from Allah’s sight while I gamble, drink, and fornicate. Vladimir says “Hi”.

Hugs and kisses to the girls

-Ahmadinejad

You didn’t think I was serious did you?